Hiding Behind A Mask
by ellenvan
Summary: A story chronicling Santana's life and how she finds the courage to come out.
1. Careta

Can you imagine living life hiding from who you are? Hiding behind layers and layers of masks, just so you can feel safe and protected from the world. That's how life is for me everyday. I hate admitting it, but the only time I feel like I can drop those layers is when I am completely alone, and even then I'm not comfortable with the true Santana.

I remember looking in the mirror when I was a little girl, and wishing that I could just change. I wanted to change all the pressure I felt from my parents, even at that age. My mama hated that I liked to play sports, and would get down in the dirt with the boys. She hated that I wore pants and hated dresses. She hated everything about who I was. So I learned at a young age, if I wanted to make my parents happy, I needed to stop being me.

I have two older brothers, Danny, and Ricky. Danny was always my best friend. I remember being little, like only three or four, and him picking me up and swinging me around in a circle. I thought I was flying. When I was sad, I'd go to Danny, and he'd hold me close and tell me stories that he made up. They were always about a brave little girl named Santana who fought all the monsters and dragons and rescued all the boys from danger. I always loved hearing the next story about how I defeated everything that scared me.

I remember him leaving. The shouting and anger, and screaming and crying that happened. I was eight, and didn't understand what was happening. Danny was 17 at the time, and all I knew was that he had done something to make my parents kick him out. I wanted to run down and throw my arms around him and beg him to take it back. I tried to hug him goodbye, but when I tried to touch him, my mama lost it and told him he wasn't allowed to ruin her daughter as well. I didn't get it at the time. My favorite person in the world was being taken from me, and I didn't understand why they were making him go.

I asked my mama about him a lot after he left, and all she would tell me is that he was very sick and couldn't stay with us until he got better. I just remember wanting it to be anybody but him that was going away. I needed him in my life. I told my parents I hated them, and that I didn't care if he was sick, I just wanted him back. They told me that I would understand when I grew up. And I did.

The first time I met Brittany was in Grade 4. We were in the same class, and we were assigned as each other's partners for reading. I remember thinking that she looked really cute in her pigtails, and how much I wanted to be her. She was so pretty in a nice little pink dress, her blonde hair up in pigtails. I was scruffy in hand me downs from my brothers, with my hair tied back in a ponytail. I had never really cared about how I looked, but here, with this girl, I really did care.

She smiled at me, and I felt like she was being mean, so I leaned over and pulled one of her pigtails. She looked at me in horror, and tears welled up in her eyes, and I let go. She frowned at me, her eyes full of hurt. "Why'd you do that for?" She asked me, her missing front tooth making her have a slight lisp.

I shrugged and dropped my shoulders, feeling defeated and mad at myself. I looked up, hoping she'd have moved on, but she was still staring at me, her eyes boring into mine. So I was honest. "I was mad cause your hair is pretty and mine's not."

The look of hurt melted away, and she smiled at me. "Your hair is so pretty. Can I touch it?" I nodded, and she ran her soft hands through my hair. From that moment on, we were best friends. I honestly can say, I don't think I was really alive before I met Britt. I was just sort of like a shell of a person. Brittany filled me up, with her joy, and her adorable comments. She gave me someone to protect, and someone to see through all of my bluster and BS and just know me. And then, for the first time in my life, someone else saw the real me. Not only did she see it, but she loved it.


	2. Familia

Chapter 2:

Britt became my best friend very quickly, and being best friends, we left barely anytime for any other friends. All we really cared about was each other, and we didn't let anyone into our little circle.

I remember one day, we were about 11. We had a snow day, and I had run through the deep snow to Britt's house as soon as I found out that we had no school. She was up, and waiting by her window, and she waved to me as I ran up her sidewalk. She had recently hit a growth spurt, and now nearly towered over me, for I hadn't grown a bit. She hugged me and pulled me inside, brushing the snow off my shoulders, smiling at me.

We ran into her kitchen and made some hot chocolate, laughing as we watched her parents dance and sing in the kitchen. Britt's house was like that. Her parents were this wonderfully welcoming people. They both looked very much like Britt, with blonde hair, and blue eyes, and they both loved to dance. Her mom had been a dancer before she was a mother, and her father had met her while taking a ballroom dancing class with his girlfriend at the time. He had wooed her with his singing and dancing skills, and the rest, they said, was history. When Britt and I turned 10, Britt's parents told me to call them Karen and Jon. I was shocked at first, but they insisted, and so I did. Secretly, I called them Mom and Dad. Mami and Papi wouldn't mind, I told myself, even though I knew they would mind. They disliked the Pierces, but allowed me to stay friends with Brittany because I wouldn't listen to them anyway.

Britt's little sister Jessie, hopped around, dancing with her parents. I rolled my eyes, and Britt twirled her hair, we were too cool to join in. We did eventually though, and we danced and sang and twirled and leapt until we all ended up into a laughing pile on the floor. Britt wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. "Look San! You're a part of my family!" And that's when I knew I was really and truly home.

I spent all the time I could with the Pierces. My home became unbearable, especially when Papi came home from work. We'd sit at our large table, eating in silence, barely even looking at each other. Ricky would sometimes tease me, but as we got older, he knew not to do it in front of our parents. Silence ruled our house. The only sounds you ever heard were the TV as my Papi watched sports, and dishes clanking together in the kitchen. We never spoke about important things like feelings. We only ever talked about the weather, or school. Papi was strict about school. We knew that if we didn't get a good grade, we'd get a spanking and go straight to bed without dinner. So we learned early on, to get good grades to make Papi happy.

Papi had a temper. One that I realized I had inherited from him. When he got angry, he hit. So we learned not to get him angry. In our house, Papi's word was law. We all knew that we must only speak if spoken to, and that disobeying him meant a spanking with his belt. It only took one of those for me to realize that I never wanted to be spanked with Papi's belt again. So I must do as Papi said.

Mami never did anything when Papi hit us. She'd sit and watch, her eyes wide, and sometimes teary. Then afterwards, she'd come into our rooms and help wash the welts his belt left, telling us that all we needed to do was listen to Papi, and that our behavior had made him angry. She explained that Papi hit to show that he loved us and wanted what was best for us. That never made sense to me, but I learned to accept it anyway.

When I was 13, Ricky left for University, and it was just me and my parents. My Mami decided to go back to school to finish her GED and get a job, since it was only me to raise now. Papi had his job as Chief of Surgery, and took longer hours. All of this meant that I was home alone alot of the time, which was perfectly fine by me.

I remember knowing my parents were unhappy. I compared them to the Pierces, and it was as plain as day. They never smiled, or laughed. They wouldn't be caught dead singing and dancing. They barely spoke, and I never saw them kiss my whole life. I used to think something was wrong with them. Like maybe, they didn't know how to act like a couple. Maybe they needed to be reminded. But when I'd ask Mami why she didn't kiss Papi, she'd just smile sadly and tell me I'd understand when I'm older. Which I did.

I eventually understood that they never loved each other. Not like Jon and Karen. They may have once, before I was born. But in all my lifetime, my parents never really loved each other. Not in a romantic way at least. I always felt, as soon as I was old enough, that they had procreated simply because it was necessary, and for no other reason. We were told from the time we were young that we were all planned out perfectly, two boys and a girl. The perfect family. Why then did it feel like we were so imperfect? Why then did I wish I had been born into Brittany's family?

And so, as my parents grew further and further from me, the Pierces became my home. I often spent the night, while my mom was at night classes, and my dad at his job. I became a fixture, and it was not uncommon for Karen to claim me as her daughter, or for her to kiss me goodnight as she tucked us in. When they went on their family vacations in the summer, I was always invited along, without even really being asked. I just was a part of their family, and for the first time since Danny, I knew what love was like.


	3. Besar

Chapter 3

The summer between middle school and high school was a rough one for me. My parents announced that my Mami was going to be a nurse at the hospital with Papi, and that I was going to be expected to take care of myself. I laughed to myself when they told me, it's not like I hadn't been doing that for a year now. They were gone almost every night. The house was more silent then usual, and I spent more and more time with the Pierces. Karen had another baby, this time a boy, and they let Brittany name him. She and I put our heads together and named him Nash. His full name was Nashville, but everyone called him Nash anyway. He was a blonde haired mop of a baby, with huge blue eyes and a dimpled smile. Britt and I carried him around with us everywhere. We earned some money from her parents by babysitting him, or changing his diapers. Then one day, Britt said something to me that changed everything.

We had just changed Nash's diaper, and were watching him drift off to sleep, when Britt turned to me and leaned on my shoulder. I smiled, loving the smell of strawberries and cream coming from her hair. She sighed into me and her face lit up. "San, I can't wait until we have a baby. We'd be great parents don't you think?"

I froze, my brain moving at a million miles a minute. She had just said she wanted to have babies with me. Where was this coming from? Women couldn't have babies with women! I was confused, and shocked, not understanding what she meant. "Britt, two women can't have a baby. You know that right?"

She looked up at me, her brow furrowed. "My aunts just had a baby. A little after Nash was born. His name is Tucker. Aunt Heather and Aunt Lily live together, and my mom says that they're lebanese!"

I shook my head, knowing now what she had meant. "It's lesbian Britt, and we're not lesbian. That's like being gay B. And we like boys...right?" I asked her, almost wondering myself if I did like boys. She shrugged.

"I guess so San, if you say so." And we went back to watching Nash fall asleep.

A few weeks later, I went on vacation with the Pierces. Britt and I were stuck firmly in the back seats, since we were the only ones who no longer needed booster seats. We were heading to their cottage for a month, and I couldn't wait to get away from my parents. They were not home for me to ask, so I left a note on the table telling them where I was, and left with the Pierces. Inside, I doubted that they'd even notice I wasn't there.

We drove for what seemed like days, and finally reached their seaside cottage. Britt and I had a special room, one that was separated from the rest of the cottage. It had originally been a woodshed, but Jon had insulated it, and turned it into a room for the two of us. We loved that little room, and decorated it with everything we could find. It meant we were brave, being away from the adults, and that we had to venture out in the night to go to the bathroom.

We settled into our room, and unpacked our suitcases, filling the drawers with our clothes. Britt hipchecked me, sending my flying, and I laughed at the sly look on her fact. She smiled down at me, and winked, helping me up, so our faces were mere inches apart. I had kissed before, several boys last year. I had even gone a little further, letting them feel my small boobs, and touching their private areas. I had told Britt about it when it happened, and she had been curious, but had never gone and done it for herself. So now, mere inches away, I knew that she wanted me to be her first kiss. My mind flashed back to the talk we had about lesbians, and my stomach clenched. Was Brittany a lesbian?

My head shut off when her lips brushed mine. Gentle, soft and tasting like lipchap. She smiled, her lips still on mine. I couldn't help but kiss her back, adding a bit of my experience into the mix. I deepened the kiss, loving the flavor of her, and the softness of her lips. The boys I had kissed always smelled like BO or mold. Britt smelled like kiwi and strawberry. My hands made their way up to her hair, and tangled in the soft, thin substance, drinking her in.

Our first kiss ended, and I broke away, feeling dizzy and heady and full of joy. This was what kissing was supposed to be. No fumbling or awkwardness. Just this butterflies in your stomach, dizzy, walking on a cloud feeling. And it was Britt who made me feel that.

We experimented a bit more that summer. We'd kiss a lot, when her parents weren't around. We went from chaste closed mouth kisses to deeper ones, wet and full of tongue. I let her touch me where the boys had, and her hands were so much more gentle. She didn't fumble, or falter. She touched me, and I melted. We were only 14, but oh how she made me feel!

Then one night, she woke me up with a gentle kiss. "San, lets go swimming!" I shook my head, my brain foggy from sleep. So she kissed me again, deeper this time. "Wake up San. I want to go swimming." I groaned and rolled over, sitting up and rubbing my eyes, glancing at the clock. It was only 3:23 in the morning. I got up to grab my swimming stuff, but she shook her head. "No San, let's go without our swimming stuff."

I knew that that meant, and suddenly my mouth went dry and my knees felt weak. She wanted to go skinny dipping! I wasn't about to say no and seem like a coward, so I gathered my courage and followed her down to the dock. She stood, lit by the moonlight, and slowly removed her clothing, bit by bit. I bit my lip, watching her body, and the way it moved. She had beautiful perky little breasts, and a tuft of hair down below. She looked at my shyly, waiting for me to join her. I gulped, again wanting to be brave, and removed my clothes. I was ashamed of my boob size, but pretended not to be, as her eyes grazed over my body. Then she took my hand, and we jumped in the water together. We splashed and laughed and swam around, nearly forgetting our nudity as we romped in the water. Then, she swam up close to me, and I felt my body tingle as her small breasts touched mine. We kissed then, treading water, the moonlight glinting around us. It was perfect. I think I realized then just what my best friend meant to me. I loved her. Like in a lebanese way.


	4. Amor

I just wanted to say thank you Addie rocks for the review! It's people like you that make me want to keep writing, so you can keep reading! Enjoy!

The day after our skinny dipping, I knew everything had to change. Britt looked at me in a strange way, a knowing way. When I wasn't even looking at her, I could feel her eyes on me, and it made me nervous. She had seen my naked, felt me naked, kissed me naked. She was the only one who had seen all of me like that. A part of me loved that she had seen all of me, but a part of me was terrified. What came after being entirely naked? Would the next time mean sex? My heart nearly beat out of my chest when I thought about sex with Britt. I'd never had sex at all, never really wanted to. But with Britt...God, I wanted to. I found myself reading online forums about having sex with girls, and found the information strange, but intriguing. I wanted it with Britt. But I wanted her to want it too.

We went to get ice cream that night with Karen, Jon, Jessie and Nash. Nash was getting older now, and his first words were Britt and Sanana. He couldn't say the "t" in my name, which I found endearing in our little boy. Britt and I sat away from the little kids, in a comfortable silence, our arms brushing each other. Suddenly I heard my name, and jerked my head up, shocked to who was standing a few feet away.

Danny smiled down at me, his face older, and wiser, but still kind and gentle, like it always had been. I jumped to my feet and wrapped my arms around my big brother, breathing in his scent and his warmth. He laughed and spun me around, just like he used to. We both cried, shedding tears for the loss of the person that understood us the most, and now the reunion of our souls. When he put me down, I couldn't help but grin at him through my tears. Next to him stood a handsome man with blonde hair, who smiled at me, his smile so big I thought his face would crack. Danny smiled, and took the man's hand, the grin never leaving his face. "Paul, this is my little sister Santana." His smile then turned nervous and he motioned to Paul. "Santana, this is my boyfriend Paul." Then it hit me. The reason he was kicked out. The reason for the yelling, and screaming. The reason for my parents never speaking his name. He was gay.

My world grew fuzzy around the edges as fear gripped my heart. My parents had kicked out my older brother because he was gay. What would they do to me? I would be kicked out too when they found out I was just like him. I gulped, bile rising in my throat and making me naseaous. Suddenly a soft cool hand slipped into mine, and I leaned into Britt's warmth. She smiled up at my big brother and his boyfriend. "So you're San's older brother? She loves to talk about you. I'm happy to finally meet you." Then she turned her sunshine smile on Paul. "You're lucky you have a Lopez Paul. They are the best friends you can ever have." Paul and Danny beamed at her, and she squeezed my hand.

We sat and talked to the two men for a long time. Danny told me about his short time on the street after being kicked out, and how he had found a halfway house for gay and lesbian teens. He told me about meeting Paul, and how he reaffirmed everything Danny already knew. I loved the way that they shared secret smiles. Danny was in love. I could see that with my eyes, as well as in my heart. He had found love in a way my parents never did. His eyes shone, and his smile was that much wider. He was so happy. I felt a pang deep in my heart, wishing I was as brave as my brother was.

Danny motioned for me to walk with him, and after glancing over and Britt, I went with him. We walked, hand in hand down the dock, in comfortable silence. I couldn't believe I had found Danny again. I wished I could go home and tell my parents all about him. About how his chin had stubble, and his ring finger bore a ring. About how his eyes shone in happiness. This was love, I told myself. This is what our parents will never ever have.

He stopped our walk and gestured back at where Britt and Paul were sitting. A smile graced his face, and his eyes were caring. "Is she your girlfriend San?"

I gulped back a denial. He of all people would understand. I simply shrugged, and then mumbled a reply. " I don't know what she is Danny. She's my best friend. We kiss sometimes, and...other stuff." I paused, taking a deep breath, before practically shouting out the words. "I love her Danny."

Danny didn't say anything, he just wrapped his arms around me and held me close. "Sannybear (that was my nickname from when I was little), I can tell that she loves you too. Have courage little sis. It really does only get better." He smiled, looking wistfully at his boyfriend. "He proposed to me last night. I said yes. We aren't legally allowed to, but I know I want to spend my life with him. I don't care what people think anymore San. And neither should you."

Later that night, we watched Paul and Danny walk away hand in hand, and I just sighed, leaning into Britt. Britt held my hand and squeezed it, smiling at me. Then she said the words I'll never forget. "I love you Santana."

I froze, terrified to meet her eyes and let her see the love I knew was shining from my own. I nodded and nuzzled into her, not able to hold back my reply.

"I love you too Britt."


	5. Hueco

I do not own glee or any of these characters.

When we got back home after that summer, I knew everything had changed. Not just between me and Brittany, but in all areas of my life. For starters, we were entering William McKinley High SchooL. I knew firsthand how gay people were treated in that school, though I never understood until lately that the hate was aimed at Danny because he was gay.

Now I caught on to things at home. Like my dad talking about "that fag". The latest one was overhearing a conversation as my parents got ready for bed. "I can't believe the nerve of that fag, inviting us to a civil union ceremony, acting like its a wedding. And asking for Santana to be in his party! Puto maricón cree que puede arruinar nuestra familia!" (Translation: Fucking fag thinks he can ruin our family!) My papi ranted and ranted. But one word stood out. Maricón. The hatred that my Papi poured out. Fag. I hated the word from the get go. That's not what I am though, I told myself, holding back tears. I'm not gay. I'm not! Then I heard my Papi again. "Mi hija no va a ser una tortillera!" (My daughter is not going to be a dyke!)

That word hurt even more. Deep inside, that's what I knew I was. Not a fag, but a dyke. A lesbian. At least for Brittany I was. I took a shuddering breath, scared of more hearing more hate coming from my Papi. Thankfully my Mami shushed him, and it grew quiet. I quietly headed back to my room and fell onto my bed, burying my face into my hands and crying. I couldn't be like Danny. No matter how right it felt to be with Britt, I needed to prove to everyone that I wasn't gay. Even to Britt.

Looking back, I remember picking Marcus out of the line of freshman. He was cute, that's for sure, and he was popular. All the freshman girls wanted to be with him. So I played along, whispering about how cute he was, or how big we thought his penis was. I secretly had no desire to find out, but I knew I had to, otherwise they all might find out. So I approached him, and soon I was his girlfriend. I told Britt to date his best friend Mike, and soon the four of us were going on dates and hanging out together. I didn't mind Marcus. He wasn't Britt, but he wasn't an ass either. Or so I thought.

After a few dates with all four of us, Marcus asked me if we could go on a date together, just the two of us. I knew I needed to be excited for the idea, or at least pretend to be, so I agreed right away. Then I explained to Britt that it was just going to be me and Marcus on our date, and that she should go on a date with Mike. She agreed, and she told me to come to her place after the date. I knew I would go there anyways, so I agreed, and went off with Marcus, hand in hand.

The date was nice, he treated me to a movie and dinner, and we walked through a forest hand in hand, talking about the movie. Then, he pushed me up against a tree, and kissed me. We'd kissed before, but we'd always been with Mike and Britt, so it never went further. It was clear to me that now, he wanted to go further. I went into the place in my head where I could hide. The kisses were sloppy, and left me feeling nothing but hollow. His touches made my skin itch and I wanted him off of me. But I knew I had to do this, so I wouldn't be gay.

Marcus' first thrust into me was painful. I came hurtling back from my inner world, and let out a gasp of pain. He didn't seem to care, and he kept pushing, deeper and deeper. I bit back tears, telling myself I needed to enjoy it. I had to let him do it. So I kept quiet, and retreated into my inner world so I wouldn't hear the sounds he was making.

When he was done, he led me back to his car and drove me home. I stopped him then, telling him I wanted to go to Britt's house. He just nodded, and I got out, giving him a brief kiss, and running to the tree outside Britt's room.

I scaled the tree, my hands shaking, and my stomach knotted with nausea. I couldn't believe I'd just had sex for the first time. Against a tree. I wanted to scream and cry and beg for the world to give it back to me. But I kept quiet, and held back my tears as I scaled the tree. I pushed open Britt's window, and stepped inside the dimly lit room. She was looking cozy under the blankets, and I quietly slipped in beside her, her arms opening to hold me close. Then I let the tears go. One by one, they fell, rolling down my cheeks and hitting the bed with small plunks. I watched them, feeling numb and hollow and in so much pain. Then Britt sat up, looking at me with concern, and flicking on her bedside light. She took one look at my tear streaked face and pulled me into an embrace.

I breathed in the smell of her. It filled up a little of the hollow shell that my heart had become. She kissed my head, and her warmth spread through me, filling me up just a bit more. Then she pulled away from me, her eyes so full of concern that I wanted to cry again. "San, what's the matter?" She asked, her voice full of pain for my tears. Watching me cry hurt her heart.

I sniffed, wishing I had gone home instead. "I...I had sex tonight Britt." I whispered, knowing that it would hurt her to hear me say that. She nodded, her eyes briefly flickering with pain and jealousy, before shifting back to concern. I continued. "Marcus...I think he didn't know what he was doing. It hurt B. That's all I remember. It hurting."

Brittany held me close again, rubbing my back and kissing away my tears. She leaned her head against mine and briefly touched her lips to mine. Then she whispered. "Santana, I love you. And I'm sorry it hurt hun. I'll kiss it better." She spent the rest of the night kissing away the hollow aching feeling, and left contentment behind.


	6. Cambiar

Sorry for the delay! I had an exam and an essay due this week, and I didn't let myself write or be tempted to write. But here it is, Chapter 6. Please review if you read! It'll help me know that people want it to continue!

I do not own Glee or these characters

Chapter 6

So a pattern emerged, one that I desperately wanted to stop, but was unable to do so. I would go and sleep with Marcus, and sometimes with Puck, and then I would go to Brittany's afterwards and cry into the pillow, wishing I could simply be with her. She'd sometimes kiss away my tears like she did that first night. Sometimes she'd bed me to stop, but I didn't listen. I couldn't listen.

Then, came the night that changed everything for me. I went on a date with Marcus, did our ritual dinner date, and then sex. I hated sex, especially with Marcus. Puck was a bit better at making me feel appreciated, but Marcus simply wanted pleasure for him, not really caring if I felt pleasure at all. We finished up, and Marcus drove me to Britt's without asking. I think he thought it was my place, not Brittany's. I climbed the tree and went in her window, ready to lay beside Britt and cry away the hurt. However, when I got inside, Brittany wasn't there.

Her bed was made, like she did every morning. Which could only mean one thing; she hadn't come home. I tried not to freak out, but I could feel my heart beating faster, almost out of my chest. I was terrified that something had happened to her. I sent her a text, and tried to call her, but her answering machine told me she wasn't available. I curled up into a ball, terrified and sick to my stomach, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up to the bed dipping and a soft kiss placed on my temple. I opened my eyes to see Britt's beautiful blue eyes full of concern, looking into mine. I sat up quickly, flinging my arms around my best friend, so happy she was safe. She smiled into my hair, and kissed my forehead again. "When did you get in San? Is everything okay? I told you I was out on a date with Mike tonight remember?"

I didn't remember. Not really. Now it made sense I guess. She had been on a date with Mike, like I had been on a date with Marcus. A flare of jealousy went through my, stabbing into my heart for the brief moment I allowed it too. I pushed it away and pulled away from Britt. "Why were you gone all night Britt?" I asked, dreaded the answer I knew was coming.

She looked down, her eyes suddenly full of tears. I reached out a hand to touch her arm and she tearily smiled at me, meeting my eyes once more. "I did it San. With Mike. It wasn't as bad as you made it sound. It was weird though San, it wasn't great like everyone says it is."

Then I knew her tears weren't for her. She had been fine with Mike her first time. Unlike me, she had been okay with sex. I still couldn't deal with it without crying into her shoulder. How pathetic was I? Her tears were because she knew that everything between us had to change. Because she knew the difference now. She knew what it was like to be with a guy, and she knew it hurt me that she'd had sex with Mike.

I just shrugged, blinking back tears, daring not to let them show and expose the pain in my heart. "Good for you Britt. It was about time. Now I wants to get my sleep on." I turned over, facing away from Brittany, and waited for the steady sounds of her breathing before allowing myself to give in to the tears that I had forced back.


	7. Violación

*Some of you might know Spanish, and therefore might know that the name of this chapter: violación, means rape. So, this is my warning, there are scenes of rape, as well as violent scenes. Trigger warning for those who may have experienced either. Proceed with caution!*

Chapter 7

It was December of Freshman year when Santana met Kyle. He was a transfer student, a Junior. He was fit, handsome and charming, and Santana knew she had to make him hers. He was more attractive then Marcus by far, and seemed to be much more experienced. I liked the look of him, and loved the way the other girls stared when we walked around school together.

I remember seeing a glimpse of Brittany out of the corner of my eye one time as I linked arms with Kyle to show him off around school. She watched with wide eyes, and only because I knew her so well, I saw the pain in her eyes, and jealousy too. I simply smirked, knowing that she was feeling what I felt when I saw her with Mike.

Kyle was a great kisser. Almost as good as Britt was. He let his hands roam my whole body, and for once, I didn't care. His hands were experienced and strong, and the way he held my body to his made my toes tingle. It was the first time that any guy had ever made me feel anywhere as aroused as I did with Britt. He was the first time where I could truly picture myself with a guy instead of with Britt. I remember breathing a sigh of relief when I felt those symptoms of arousal, knowing now that I couldn't be gay, because if I was, a guy couldn't make me feel like this.

I knew he knew I was an easy lay. But something about him made me want to play hard to get. We'd make out, and round first base, but I'd always stop it, and make an excuse. I wanted him to want me, more than anyone had wanted me before. I wanted him to tell me he'd wait for me, and that I was special.

One time I did this, I found out that Kyle did not want to wait, and that he did not think I was special. I remember everything about it. The time; 10:38pm. The way the trees whipped around in the wind, the clouds thick and dark. The way his rough hands choked me. The way he drove himself into me, over and over. The way I cried, silently, not giving him the pleasure of hearing me scream. The way I prayed that someone, anyone would come and save me from this monster. The way he smelled, his juices all over me, and the stink of sweat clinging to him. The way he'd laughed at my tears, and told me I was a slut. The way that I simply laughed it off, saying it was no big deal. The way that my insides were screaming about how much of a big deal it was.

Most of all, I remember the pain. The way that my body throbbed and pulsed in pain. The way that I limped. The way that I bruised. The way that I bled.

I didn't let him drive me that night. He left me where it had happened, and I began to slowly limp towards home. I couldn't let Britt see me like this. She'd know. I knew she would. She'd want to get him back. He'd hurt her too.

I finally made it to my house, and dragged myself up the stairs to bed. I crashed onto it, hating that it didn't have Brittany on it. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up.

My body coursed with pain. Throbbing, pulsing, hot pain. I remember peeling my eyelids open, and forcing myself to the bathroom, to check out my reflection in the mirror. I had a black eye, and a swollen lip. I could make out a light bruise on my neck, where his hands had been. I couldn't bear to let myself explore the rest of my body, knowing what I would find.

Suddenly I heard a gasp and turned around. Brittany stood behind me, her eyes wide with fear and concern. She took in the state of me, and I dropped my gaze to the floor. Would she think it was my fault?

She flew to me and wrapped her arms around my frame, her body shaking as sobs wracked her. I held onto her with all my life, finally allowing myself to feel once more. We stood like this, with no words for God only knows how long. Then she pulled away, and began undressing me. She kissed every bruise, and cried for every cut. She touched all of me gently, not in a sexual way, but in a loving way. She soothed the painful throbbing I felt.

She turned on the shower, and stripped down. I couldn't help but study her amazing body. She smiled gently and led me in, washing me from head to toe and massaging shampoo into my scalp. I leaned into her, needing to feel her warmth and love.

After the shower, she dried me off and led me back to the bed. She tucked me in, and laid beside me, holding me close to her heart. I fell asleep listening to her heartbeat, realizing that we hadn't even said a word.


	8. Protección

*I hope those of you reading are staying with me. I'm sorry about the whole rape scene, but its a part of my development for Santana. I promise I'll make it up to you in upcoming chapters! Addie rocks, your dreams are about to come true ;)*

Chapter 8

I remember waking up later that day. Britt was cuddled up close to me, and was watching me as I slept. She smiled as she noticed my eyes were open. I groaned as pain echoed through my body as I shifted position. Her smile dropped, and concern was obvious on her face. "San, are you going to tell me what happened?"

I studied her face, asking myself the same question. I knew if I told her, she'd want me to get Kyle in trouble. I knew she'd want to take it to the police, or the school or something. If I knew one thing, it was that I never wanted to face him again. And that included taking him to court. If I did that, he'd come back at me even stronger. Or, my terrified mind told me; he'd attack Brittany.

The last thing I could ever want is Brittany being hurt like I had been. I wanted to keep her mind innocent of the hurts of the world. However, I struggled with not telling her because I needed someone to support me through this process. I needed her to hold me, and back me up if I saw him. I needed her so much. So I told her.

She sat, legs crossed, facing me on the bed. As I told the story, her face grew more and more worried, and she reached out to hold my hand. It took all of my strength not to burrow myself close to her and cry and cry. Her touch made something come undone in me, and threatened any strength that I was feeling.

When I was done, I let the tears flow, and she held me once again. I could feel her warm wet tears hitting my head, and sliding down to mix with my own tears. She felt the pain, as I felt it. I knew it would be the same if this is something that had happened to Britt. I would have killed the son of a bitch who touched Britt. My heart would have broken at the loss of safety she must have felt. Just as her heart was now breaking for me.

She kissed my eyes as I cried, gentle, fluttering kisses. Then, one by one, she kissed away the tears as they fell down my face. Then, ever so gently, she kissed my mouth. There was no lust, and no pressure in her kiss. It was simply her way of communicating with me that she loved me, and that she was here for me.

We held each other all day long, talking about Kyle, and what we should do. Britt wanted me to report him, just like I knew she would, but she listened when I told her that wasn't going to happen. She promised me to stay right at my side at school so if he ever did approach me, that she'd be right there.

We spent the weekend planning for any situation and scenario. She slept in my bed every night, and stayed firmly by my side during the day. I had nightmares of him, and they haunted me, but she held me through them, and brought me back to her. She saved me that weekend. I don't know if I could have survived that place on my own.

Monday morning, we woke up early, and covered my black eye with globs and globs of makeup. We then did the same with the bruises on my neck. I still had a slight limp, but nothing like the night it happened. We dressed for school, my skimpy Cheerios uniform barely covering all of my bruises and scrapes. I took a deep breath as we left, one full of unease, shuddering and terrified. Britt stopped me, and held me close. "You are fine baby. I've got you. He isn't going to hurt you like that ever again. I promise. I'll protect you."

We got to school a little later than normal, and made our way down the familiar halls to our lockers. We had long since bullied the kid next to me into switching lockers with Britt, so ours could be side by side.

I relaxed when I didn't spot him, and fell into a conversation with Britt and the new girl Quinn. I finally felt comfortable and safe, and I linked pinkies with Britt, letting her know I still needed her close.

I made it through the whole day without seeing him. I was so relieved. Britt was beside me all day long, and I was beginning to think he couldn't touch me. She offered to give me a ride home, and I excepted, standing beside her car as she went to grab her stuff. Suddenly, someone grabbed my arm and pulled me close to them. My heart ceased up and I felt real fear.

Kyle was standing there, smiling down at me. He had pulled me close to him, and I could smell him, and it made me gag. I tried to push away, but he held on tighter. "I'm glad to finally catch you alone. That dumbass blonde has been attached to your side all day. That was a great time last night Lopez. You were the best lay I've ever had, and that's saying something." He winked at me, oblivious to my distress. "What'd you say you come with me and we can have a good time again?"

I started to really fight then, terrified of the idea of being raped again. I bit and kicked and scratched, but all it seemed to do was make him more angry. His grip on my arm tightened, and I wanted to scream in pain. I gulped down the fear and bile rising in my throat and gathered up my courage. " You will never again see my body, you mamón bastardo (cocky bastard)! You raped me! I never said you could touch me! Leave me alone now, and never talk to me again, or I'll report you!"

Kyle's grip only tightened and he smirked down at me. "I like my girls feisty." I continued to struggle and his grip never slackened. Then he bent down, so his face was even with mine. "I never raped you Lopez. Got that? I simply had sex with the school's slut. No one will believe you."

Suddenly, his head went reeling back, and a look of shock crossed his face. His grip loosened and I pulled free, my arm sore and bruised. A hand touched my shoulder briefly, and I knew it was Brittany. Her fist was cocked back still, from the vicious punch she delivered to his face. "You listen good now asshole. This is my best friend. If you ever even look at her the wrong way ever again, I will report you. I will tell every girl in this school to never talk to you or date you, and tell them that you are a rapist. If you ever touch her again, I will kick your nuts so hard that you won't be able to retrieve them. Got that?" Her tone of voice and force were so shockingly un-Brittany, and I could see the subtle shake of her hands, so I could tell she was scared. But hell, Kyle sure looked scared too.

He shrugged, looking her over, as if weighing what she had said. He then spat on the ground near my feet, looking scornfully at me. "I'll leave you alone Lopez, but only because you are a lousy lay" With that, Kyle walked away and never came near me again.


	9. Réplicas

*This chapter deals with a little bit of the trauma a rape survivor might feel, including flashbacks and hyper-sexuality. If you would like more information and maybe want to know where I am going with this tying into Santana's character, look up Rape Trauma Syndrome. Thanks for the reviews! Hope you enjoy!*

Chapter 9

After that day, I went back into my life as usual. Or at least I put on a mask of old Santana. Inside, I struggled everyday with fear, and guilt. I continued to have dreams about the attack, ones that were vivid. I could almost smell and taste it all. I would wake up at night in a cold sweat. Then I would call Britt's number and she would sing me back to sleep. It became an almost ritual of ours. On weekends, and on particularly bad nights, she would sneak into my room and hold me. On those nights, I didn't have any dreams. She seemed to shield me from all of that. She was still protecting me from him, and she didn't even know it.

Dear God, I hated that time. I remember believing it had been my fault. If I hadn't had sex with Marcus and Puck, maybe he wouldn't have seen me as a slut. I blamed myself, for the clothes I wore, or the way I presented myself. I kept this blame deep inside, knowing that if Brittany knew about it, she would be hurt that it existed at all. I started to wonder why I was hiding from the world, and from guys in particular. Maybe Kyle was right and I was only good for sex. Maybe that's the way of washing away the dirty feeling he set into my skin. So I had sex. Lots of sex. Sometimes with people I didn't even know. I was never raped again, but I think part of that was because I never said no.

Britt watched all of this, and tried to tell me to stop. I, of course didn't listen. Secretly, I begged her to make me stop. To shake me out of the hollow world I was trapped in, and set me free again. But she never did, and eventually, she just watched with sad eyes as I hooked up with all of the guys. I made jokes about it, and I could almost feel the hurt radiating from her eyes. She hated that I made jokes.

I found myself flip flopping from happiness to anger, even around Brittany. I yelled at my the people at my school. I made it my mission to make someone feel the same fear that I did, so I wouldn't be counted as less than them. I wanted to be the one feared, not the one being afraid. Britt tried to reign in my anger, and sometimes, I hate to say, she was on the receiving end of the anger. One time, I was very angry at some girls who had called me a slut. I tried to punch them, but Britt held me back. I turned on her then, and pushed her away from me. "Get your hands off of me! You is Loca!" She tried to tell me I needed to calm down, and I advanced on her then. "Get your hands of me." She went to touch me again and I spat out anger at her. "What are you...stupid? I said don't touch me."

To this day I remember the look in her eyes. She flinched away from me, and the tears came on fast. I saw her bottom lip tremble and she raced away, and I was left standing, kicking myself for pushing away the one person that loved me despite what I had become.

I want to make it clear that the mask I put on was a mask that I would wear for many years to come. I had always been a bitch, but the mask I put on was that of a person that had no tolerance or feelings for anyone else's feelings. I had become the Santana that haunted McKinley's halls, and I'm sure, many a freshman's dreams. Inside however, I was a scared little girl. I still saw him around every corner. I still flinched when someone touched me. I still cried after having sex. I still woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that it was happening all over again.

I don't remember how I made it up to Brittany. Perhaps I never did, and she simply forgave me. That seems like a Brittany thing to do. I do however remember the night she decided to come to my place again. I think it had been a few weeks since we hung out, and when I heard my window opening, I sat up in bed, terrified that he had found my home. Instead of his large silohette, I saw a graceful, tiptoeing one. The bed dipped beside me, and a cold footed Brittany wrapped her arms around me. We hadn't kissed since that weekend after it had happened, and I found myself desperate to taste her. For the first time since that night, I felt aroused. In a way I couldn't understand, none of the guys I slept with could take away the dirtiness of sex, because sex was rape. But with Britt, I knew just kissing her would cleanse me, if only a little. So I turned around, my head against hers and kissed her.

I felt electricity shoot through my body as her lips met mine. She moved closer, pushing her body up against mine, sending a million tiny bolts of lightning through everywhere her skin touched mine. I could feel her smile, and I deepened the kiss, begging her for entrance to her mouth, my tongue dancing around hers. I slipped out of the fear drenched world I had grown used to, and into a world where love existed again. Love in the form of Brittany.


	10. Alma Bailando

*Hey all! I changed the rating of the story to M because of some of the more mature content. Just wanted you to know in case you wondered. Brittana sex ahead, not too smutty, I'm not great at writing smut! Enjoy!*

Chapter 10

Things changed forever after that night. Her gentle hands ran up and down my body, setting it on fire. Our kisses grew deeper, more insistent. I reveled at the feeling of her body beside mine, on top of mine. She was gentle, never pushing me. I wanted it as much as she did.

Her hands were not the hands of a fumbling boy, or the scratchy palms of a rapist. They were soft and smooth, gentling my soul and soothing my spirit. I can say now, that never once in our first time, did it cross my mind that I was about to have sex with a girl. It felt seamless, easy and breathless. Her body fit the curves of mine, molding and shaping to fit perfectly into me. Both of us knew where we were heading, and that this, more than anything else we had done, would change our relationship forever.

She broke off a kiss, breathless and flushed. I could see the lust and want in her eyes and knew it was mirrored from mine. Her hands were rubbing small circles over my boobs and it was all I could do not to moan. I wished beyond anything else that I didn't have a shirt on and that she was touching my skin beneath, like she used to. Her eyes locked on to mine, and even through the lust and want, I saw concern. She was asking me if I wanted this, I realized. I nodded my head a little too enthusiastically and she smiled and giggled softly, huskily. She slowly, careful not to startle me, pulled my tank top over my head, revealing my boobs. They were always smaller than I wanted, but Britt seemed to love them.

I unmasked her the same way, and she sighed as my hands brushed over her. Her fingers worked wonders on me, twisting and flicking and roaming. I gasped under her, knowing then that no one's hands would ever be like Britt's. I melted as she took me in her mouth, her hand wandering down to brush my pants. I jolted a little at this, knowing that this was further than we ever had taken it. Her eyes were insistent, and I nodded, our lips crashing together furiously.

She stripped me of all my clothes and just looked at me. Her eyes full of something that I didn't understand. She smiled gently at me, and kissed my forehead. "You are so beautiful" She whispered as she kissed down my body, eventually reaching the place she was aiming for. I gasped and unconsciously arched as she found her mark. She was so amazing. Boys had done that before, but none of them were skilled like this. She placed kisses on me, licking and sucking and flicking me with her tongue. She slowly teasingly brought me up over the edge, and I had to bite back a scream. My eyes shut as my body arched and spasmed, feeling like I had entered some new world.

When I came down, I opened my eyes, and caught her looking into mine with that same look again. Then, just as quickly as it had come, Britt's eyes filled with lust again. "You smell so good San." She whispered into my lips before kissing me. I felt her hand brush me as we kissed, and I moaned softly, not even trying to hide how turned on she had made me. She simply smiled into the kiss and deepened it, making my head reel and spin. Then, gently and precisely, she entered me, and I came undone once more. How could something some simple become so complex? I felt her inside me, and within me, and my heart nearly exploded in love. I bit back telling her I loved her, because in this time, at this moment, I knew that it was not the love that one had for her best friend, but the love that two people share bonded together by the heart and soul.

We tangled together, dipping into each other's hearts and souls, mixing the swirling juices that flowed through our very cores. I knew from that moment on that her soul and mine were shackled together, chained by love and friendship. Tied down by tenderness and beauty.

I knew then, in a glaring brilliant moment, that everything I had been trying to escape had caught up to me and overcome me. I knew then that no matter how many guys I slept with and how many notches on my headboard, that I was gay. It was unavoidable. To me, it felt kind of like something had borrowed under my skin and lodged itself into my heart. And I knew deep down that thing was Brittany. She had somehow ripped off the mask I put up to block everyone out and guard my secret. I was exposed to her, not just in my nakedness of body, but in the nakedness of my being. She knew me in every single way. And I would never have it any other way.


End file.
